


He Needs You

by Tardis_Witch



Series: Supernatural drabbles [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:40:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7631083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tardis_Witch/pseuds/Tardis_Witch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of 5x13<br/>Sam wonders if Anna might have been right to want him dead, Cas is struggling with guilt as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Needs You

Sam lay awake in the hotel bed, listening to Dean's snores as he occupied the other bed. At least _he_ could sleep. Sam certainly couldn't with the day's events running through his head.

He'd gone back in time, seen his dad - before hunting had turned him into a bitter, angry man - met his mom, who'd died when Sam was just a baby. On top of that they'd had to fight Anna, who had once been a friend, but now wanted Sam dead.

There was a part of Sam that almost wished Castiel had just let Anna do it. It would be so easy. No Sam meant no Satan's vessel. No vessel meant Satan couldn't rise to full power, which meant no apocalypse, no razing of Earth. Ultimately, everything would turn out better. They would save billions upon billions of lives. 

And it wasn't like he deserved a better fate, after all he'd done. 

He rolled over and punched the pillow; hardly getting any of his anger out, but he needed to punch something at the moment. 

"You're not asleep," Castiel's hoarse voice said from the corner. Sam sat up, startled. He wished Cas would stop showing up unannounced. He looked over at Dean, wondering if he should wake him. When Cas showed up, something important was usually happening. 

"Don't," Cas said, before Sam could speak, "don't wake him. He yells a lot when you do that."

Sam laughed under his breath, "Don't I know it." He looked away from the peacefully sleeping Dean and back to Cas. "Any particular reason you decided to visit?" Sam asked, sitting up, he had to admit that he was thankful for a distraction; his thoughts had been traveling down a dangerous path. 

"I came to check on you," Cas replied, crossing the room. "If Anna wanted you dead, other Angels will too." He pointed out matter-of-factly as he seated himself near the foot of the bed.

"Make sense," Sam replied. _As if I wasn't already having trouble sleeping,_ he thought.

They sat in silence for a moment. Then Cas spoke. "She's dead then; Anna. Michael killed her."

"Uh, yeah," Sam said awkwardly, "That's what Dean said anyway, I didn't really see it." He'd been kinda ... dead.

Cas sighed and Sam struggled to read his face. They guy sure knew how to hide his emotions - or maybe he'd never learned how to show them. He seemed saddened by the news though, which didn't make sense, as he'd been the one to suggest killing her. 

"Are you okay, man?" Sam asked. 

Cas glanced over at him. "It's my fault," he said, without preamble. "It's my fault Anna's the way she is. Or ... was." He stared straight at the wall, seeming to see something else as he continued. "I turned her over to the hosts of heaven, back when I was still following orders." Bitterness filled his voice, "like a good little soldier."

Sam furrowed his brow, "You couldn't have known Zachariah was lying, you thought you were doing the right thing."

"It doesn't matter," Cas said, "I still did it. It still happened. I can't blame the liars if I was fool enough to believe them." He looked over at Sam, piercing blue eyes shining in the darkness. "Isn't that what _you_ keep saying?"

The question wasn't accusatory, or pleading, it was simply that: a question.

Sam was taken aback, "That's different," he snapped. How could Castiel, an angel, possibly pretend to understand?

Cas just shrugged and looked back at the wall, not pressing the issue. Instead, he returned to his previous topic. "Anna's drive to kill you was, by extension, because of me."

"Well, maybe she wasn't so wrong," Sam muttered, his mind returning to his earlier musings. 

"What?" Cas asked quickly. Quickly, but calmly. Not the angry, defensive undertone Dean would've used. He didn't sound like he was ready to monologue about how important "Sammy's life" was, or ready to spout off the most ridiculous alternative ways to save the world that would probably never work. He just sounded ready to listen.

Sam sighed, "It would be so simple," he said, "Scatter my atoms across the universe. That way Lucifer can never find me. I'd rather die than say yes to him. Which no one can guarantee I won't." He pointed out quickly, then sighed. "We save the world, stop the apocalypse, and no one needs to get hurt."

After a pause, Cas said, "Dean would."

'Would what?"

"Get hurt." He looked at Sam again, "He needs you."

"Whatever," Sam said, flopping back down onto his pillow. Dean was strong. Despite what he'd been telling himself while hyped up on demon blood, Dean was stronger than he'd _ever_ be. Sam couldn't survive without Dean, not really. He knew that from experience. But Dean could stand on his own without Sam.

"There are a million reasons Anna was wrong Sam," Cas said, "but the most important one is this: you can't leave Dean alone."

"He wouldn't be alone." Sam pointed out, "He's got you."

"I'm a poor replacement for you," Cas said quietly.

Then he was gone.


End file.
